Lend me your ear...

So I have this problem. I'm a thought hoarder. When something is bugging me, no matter how serious, I fear deeply that if I were to share what it was with friends, family, or my husband that they a) wouldn't care or b) would think I'm a horrible person and crazy.

I know it's numerous things that goes into this complex.

1. I guaranteed have some attachment issues from my parents' methods 
2. I have social phobia so I think everyone thinks badly of me 
3. Many people have shown me, throughout the years, that love can be conditional for some people and if it is, it hurts when it's yanked away from you.

Now here's the problem. Everyone needs a support system but when you keep everyone at a distance, that's a long way to fall. Now I don't mean to be distant and I don't mean to push people away, but I'm fairly certain that when I do start latching on and depending on people for support and really telling them how I feel that I may not be able to let go. Beyond my "arms reach" attitude is a very needy person who just wants to be told they are worth someones time. I'd go as far as to say I need that.

I'm not an expert on the human psyche but I do know a bit and I'd hazard to guess most people need to feel worthwhile, though some may have more roadblocks to getting there than others.

To Kindle, or not to Kindle...

The first time someone mentioned to me they got a Kindle for Christmas I had no idea what it was. I had heard of e-book readers and of course audio books but this Kindle thing was new. Through some of my deductions and reading an article or two I realized that these things were flying off the shelves. Obviously they had found a market: my only question was why?

Was I the last person on earth who enjoyed the smell of a book? Did no one else feel that sweet sense of contentment from the sound of a flipping page? Is it weird that I enjoy having to buy more bookcases because Ive filled the rest?
Was it old fashioned to feel overjoyed at searching a secondhand bookstore for hours and finding the most amazing book ever?

Obviously there are still people out there who enjoy "real books" like myself, but what happened to our old cohorts? The ones who decided Kindle was the better choice? I have heard arguments for kindle such as "But I can carry so many books with me at once." Well yes, ok, you can...but how many books does one read at the Dr's office. I mean I'm a speed reader but even if I'm at the end of my current book and at risk of finishing that while I'm out, I have a purse that in the worst of cases will fit two books. Yes I do realize people go on trips but unless you plan on reading books like War and Peace you should have room to pack several. And depending on where you go you might consider sightseeing as an option.

Ok so the kindle has internet capabilities. So does my phone and my laptop. I think I'm covered.

It has games. which I also have on my laptop and my cell phone.

Now I realize that some people love the Kindle, and power to them. I don't make their choices nor do they make mine. I just would never be able to give up all the actual joy that a real live paper made book gives me. It is not that I don't see the benefit have having an obscene number of books in one small compact tablet but its that that one benefit does not outweigh all the benefits I personally get from a book. At this stage in my life ill keep turning my pages the old fashioned way...

So I have discovered that one of the joys of motherhood, is making your child roll their eyes at your purposeful idiocy. My daughter is 10 going on 11 and the the phrase mose frequently heard erupting from her face is.....and i quote.... "OOOOH MAAAI GAAAAWDDUH!". (notice the phonetic spelling) Maybe im a sadist, maybe its just the circle of life but I get such delight out of making her cringe. Do not get me wrong. I love my child. She gets tons of love, and cuddles, and I'm constantly working to build up her self esteem but i freaking love getting under her skin. If this makes me horrible I appologize for the offense but it's so darn cute to see her react like that.

The Many Shades of Romance

I think every little girl has an idealized picture of what romance is and what love embodies in their minds. As we grow, and as we mature those ideals may flower and grow but the root ideals remain the same. The realism of each individual ideal matters not because to us it is real; very real.

It took me 5 years of marriage to realize that romance, in reality, is all around me. It's in my husband getting out of bed to check on me when I can't sleep because he notices I'm not there. It's in his little songs he sings to me in an offkey manner to elicit my "oh you" face. It's in him calling my psychiatrist to schedule an emergency appointment becuase I become to depressed to care to do it myself.

Sometimes we take for granted the little things that mean the most.

A Year of Healing

I have decided, due to my stress levels and mental health situation coupled with my daughter struggling through some things, to take a year off of school. I have dubbed the next year my "Year of Healing".

The last two weeks I have been focusing on making some changes in my routine, my attitude and my being in general. I have begun researching chakras which I have found to be truly enlightening. It was like unlocking a hidden secret. I feel the need to share my newfound joy in this with everyone.

A friend of mine turned me on to the idea of treasure mapping for the Aries new moon. The basic idea as I understand it is to decide where and who you want to be in a year. What you want to occur, what you want to gain, what you want to shed. You then construct a "map". You can collage it. You can make a book. You can pretty much do whatever you want as long as you release into the cosmos the hopes you have for your future. A lot of people use magazines and just cut out meaningful phrases, affirmations and pictures and construct a collage on posterboard. They tend to arrange them in occordance with baguas or chakras (which is how I got turned on to the whole chakra aspect). I chose to scrapbook mine in a chakra manner. Each page stands for 1 of the 7 chakra centers. I then, to the best of my ability based on my limited chakra knowledge, made affirmations about who and where I wanted to be in a years time focusing on making these present tense statements. For example: instead of saying "I will do blank" I would state "I do blank". I spent hours looking for pictures that inspired me, uplifted me, and fit in with these statements and printed them out on a color printer. And voila! The universe now knows my needs, hopes, and dreams thanks to a little creative elbow grease.

Now amazingly I am noticing drastic changes in my life. My treasure map mostly focused on internal change. My attitudes and things I felt would make me a more complete and healthy person and therefore influence my family to be more whole and healthy. One thing I have always struggled with is my ability to be an efficient housekeeper. Things always seem to slip away from me, overwhelm me and then get out of hand. Understandably then this is not good for my mood. These last couple weeks I have been able to efficiently keep up with my house and it leaves me so much more time and energy to attach to other, more enjoyable activities.

I have also started mediatating and doing chakra cleansing, connecting and balancing exercises through meditation. It has literally rocked my world. I feel an almost high feeling from the energy that I feel while doing it. At times during it I have felt so much joy I have been moved almost to tears. It really is an incredible experience. I have been sleeping better, I have more energy, my mood's better....need I go on?

Me and my husband have also gotten the exciting news that he has been accepted into a PhD program at a prominent school which while it means a move, is not taking us far and we will still be within reasonable distance to the city so that I can retain my psychiatrist and maybe even therapist to continue my path of healing.

I am whole heartedly excited about the changes to come and feel very positive about our future. It may take a lot of work to follow through with some of these changes but I believe it will be well worth it.

What the bumps in the road can teach us.

When you think enough has happened to you that is less than desirable, you're simply tempting fate. It's been a rough couple of months for me. I have been having a depressive episode and although given certain circumstances in my life it is probably quite normal, it has made me reflect upon my illness quite a bit. I have resumed seeing a psychiatrist and so far have been vigilant about attending sessions which can be a problem for me especially when I'm feeling very depressed. That seems to be the time when my anxiety really crops up and I suffer from agoraphobia on top of everything else.


There have been numerous problems with school since it's hard to keep up when you barely can manage getting out of bed some days. Most recently due to miscommunication and action before checking things out thouroughly my student loans were suddenly cut off and I didn't recieve any notice until the day rent was due, after the cheque for rent had been cashed which left me none too pleased.

The good thing about this latest episode is I have been honest with those around me about what I'm feeling. Normally I would keep it to myself and suffer alone thinking I wouldn't want to bother anyone. This time around I thought what an asset it may be to have people who know how I feel and stand behind me when I'm feeling like this. So far that's going well for me.

Above all I feel like my husband and me, despite some hiccups caused by my moodyness, have managed to become closer and more honest and able to talk to each other. So I guess there is always a silver lining after all...

Opportunities For New Beginnings Sometimes Take Us By Surprise

So I mentioned that my laptop died. I lost my writing, my music, my pictures; pretty much anything in electronic form that meant anything to me was lost into the abyss of broken hard drives. I decided I could react in one of two ways. I could be devastated and focus on the negative, writhing in agony over all the things that I lost OR I could look at it as a positive; a chance to start fresh. I decided to go with the latter. I bought myself a new writing journal and decided to keep my writing in 2 forms, my notebook and type it out on my laptop. I bought a fountain pen which makes me feel very artistic and old-school while I write in my notebook which has Edgar Allen Poe gold-embossed on the cover. It's kinda a treat to sit and write in it. It occurred to me as well that the typing aspect could be used as an easy way to edit my work as I go.

I also decided that I would branch out my music tastes. I've been asking people what kinda music they are really into and giving it a listen to see if I can find anything inspiring. So far that's been working well for me. In the last week I've found 3 new bands which I am really digging right now.

Most importantly though I came up with the plan to set lots of small goals for myself right now. Little things which are easy to accomplish so that I can give myself a little boost of self-esteem in a time when I may not be feeling at my best. So far that's been working well too.

So there you go. One bad turn of events triggered a landslide of good events. Its funny how things like that happen. Just when you think nothing can get worse...it gets better.

Life is a Lesson in Coping

So I've realized that coping with what life throws at you is an art; one I have yet to master. I'm obviously done my summer classes since it is nearly December. I've now come mid-way through yet another busy year of University. This school year finds me trying to balance school, my child, and my sanity in solitary while my husband pursues his Master's degree in another city. We manage daily phone calls but they are more just brief check-ins to make sure we are both still alive. I have seen my husband in total for a week and a half since September.

Throughout these last few months my laptop has died with all my school work and writing dieing with it, my daughter has tested every possible boundary in every way imaginable and my mental health which I thought was stabilized with meds has taken a slight dip into the negative. I've had to drop a class from my 3 classes therefore prolonging graduation even more. So suffice it to say I've been coping but it's been difficult. Some days I feel like I'm in water up to my neck, balancing on algae covered rocks and my feet keep slipping.

If anything all of this has taught me yet again the importance of taking time to sustain inner peace through whatever means necessary. Whether that be by going to counseling, being active, eating healthier or just simply some time for myself doing something I enjoy. I think most importantly though is forgiving myself for not being perfect and not being able to do everything at once. It doesn't mean I'm lazy, or less of a person...it just simply means I'm human and have limits. Realizing your limits and respecting them is important for everyone but I think probably more so for someone who struggles with mental illness of any sort. As much as I'd like to think I'm just like everyone else It's important for me to remember that I do have an illness and I do need to keep that in mind when setting goals.

Life is a learning process and some of us learn at a slower pace than others. I don't think thats a bad thing, just the reality of how things are.

Sorry for the delay...

So I decided that in order to possibly finish my degree faster, I would take summer classes. I knew it would be a lot of work seeing as how it is very sped up but I didn't realize just how sped up and busy I would become. Let me give you an idea.

Classes began May 11. Since then I have had 12 hours of lecture a week. 3 hours 4 days a week. I have read 4 novels totaling 1198 pages and am currently reading 2 more novels simultaneously.

I have read 7 short stories and written an in class essay on one of them. I am currently writing a 1500 word essay on one of the short stories as well due on June 8. On top of this I work weekends, usually only 10-15 hrs but still.

I am also trying to narrow down topics for a 4000 word essay due July 14. (roughly 15 pages)

Can anyone say stress much?

Luckily I love the classes I'm in; the topics are inspiring, the books are amazing, and the Professors are witty and engaging. Unfortunately despite these things, I barely have time to breathe.

I will however make my best efforts to update you. Expect short posts and less witticisms than normal but I will make my best efforts as I miss my blog or rather the idea that people may read my blog out of genuine interest. (This could point to some narcissistic tendencies on my part).

See you on the flip side.

I don't have the Swine Flu but I may have "Baby Fever"

So I've got this problem.

Every time I see a baby, whether on T.V., a movie, the subway, or any other number of scenarios, I want one. I don't just think to myself "It sure would be nice to have a baby." I actually ache down to my core for want of one. Maybe it's because I'm nearing that big three-oh. Maybe it's because my daughter is nearing the tweens and I long for those days when she was oh so small. Maybe it's because my sister is on her second in as many years and I want to have what she has. Or maybe I'm just the type of person who wants kids. Whichever way you slice it, I want a baby.

This wouldn't be a problem save the fact that my husband doesn't want a baby. Sure I've already had a baby. I've experienced it; but I did so alone. My daughter happened before my husband did. What I long for is the whole kit-and-kaboodle: The jumping up and down pregnancy test from excitement; The Doctors visit where you and your husband smile in anticipation of the big day; The lamaze classes; The picking out baby names together. I want to do it right.

Now I don't know that kids are out of the question entirely. My husband may want kids down the line. I've asked and I usually get some vague answer which tells me more that he doesn't want to hurt me than he'd like to have kids, but he doesn't say no. Which is something right?

He just says for certain that he doesn't want kids now. He's going into a Master's program. I'm completing my undergraduate degree. He figures now isn't a good time, which I totally get. But if life has taught me anything it's that the heart wants what the heart wants. That and that things will eventually sort themselves out.

So I guess we'll see what develops.

(Pardon my pun. )

For Shame...

I sit here this evening ashamed of myself; not as a person but as a would-be Canadian writer. For years I have dreamed of writing not just for my pleasure but for the pleasure of others. I have looked up to authors such as Jane Austen, Virginia Woolf, H. G. Wells and Aldous Huxley as shining examples of what I wanted to someday evolve into; shining examples of what truly great and substantial writing should be. Embarrassingly not once did it occur to me that there was a comparable writing. I mean obviously there are Canadian authors, and I had heard of Margaret Atwood and Margaret Laurence, but for whatever reason I dismissed them. Not as unworthy of reading but I believe it was part of what some Canadians face; an inferiority complex in comparison to the United States. I feel that considering 90% of what is available to me on television and media is American I can hardly be blamed for feeling insignificant.

I now feel myself feeling quite proud and pleasantly surprised. I will be taking some Canadian literature courses during the summer term and have been reading course material now to get a head start. I find myself reading a novel which I have never heard of, from and author who I am not familiar with, and wondering how such a sparkling gem of literary wit escaped my notice all these years.

I do not profess to be the most intelligent nor the most informed literary student but I AM an avid reader and have been for at least 23 of my 28 years. I have a propensity for searching out new authors and new genres out of sheer curiosity.I am slightly surprised, in light of this, that I have not sought out more relevant -and by relevant I mean Canadian- literature.

Regardless here I find myself for the first time in quite some time, as most of my reading now consists of textbooks, completely and utterly enthralled by a Canadian author. This surprise is compounded by the fact that he wrote the novel almost 70 years prior to my birth. Not only do I associate with the characters but I feel absolutely transported to his little town of Mariposa. The novel which I speak of is Sunshine Sketches of a Little Town by Stephen Leacock. If you haven't read it I highly suggest it. It follows the events and humourous characters in a small Ontario town and even though the setting is nearly a century past, manages to stay startlingly relevant in the portrayal of inner workings of small town society.

So here's my epiphany I've been leading up to. Canadians have made a substantial literary mark on the world. That may not mean a lot to some people but to me that means my inferiority complex is unfounded and I also have the potential to someday *knock on wood* make a substantial literary mark myself.

So wish me luck! Oh, and rave wise.

So I decided to look up my blog for old times sake

So I'm sitting in my apartment feeling slightly stir-crazy and then it hits me... I started a blog a while back and rather than sit here and wonder what to do I could do something. I know, crazy thought huh. Work with me here. So I think to myself, "How does one find a lost blog?" The Internet is a vast wasteland of media and random blogs. Should I put up a picture hoping someone brings my poor blog home? Then it occurs to me. I'll Google some of the words I had in the blog title. Well that didn't work very well. Try Googling "ravings lunatic". Surprise! I'm not the only one. Apparently my title wasn't as witty as I had previously thought. Scratch that idea off the list. What else might work. How did I find my blogging engine? I Googled blog! *type into Google search bar*. Brilliant! Oddly enough I was still logged in.

So now here i sit with pen...err keyboard in hand, relaying how I found my sad little lonely blog that only I know about (I can only assume since there is nay a comment on my page). Why am I here you ask? (Well you didn't but my story requires I presume you do) I need distraction. My husband --previously mentioned, never named-- has angered me off to the degree that I will be sleeping on the couch tonight. Not because I did anything wrong but because I hope to convey just how infuriated I am with him. For those of you who aren't married, husbands know their wives are mad when they get kicked out of the room, they sleep with one eye open when the wife refuses to sleep in the bed. What ispired this wrath you ask? Well I have the good fortune of being married to a man who --by his admission-- is stubborn. Not normal stubborn but ridiculous, bang your face on things you're so frusterated, stubborn. If he decides the sky is green, and you point at the sky and show him it's blue, and ask all your friends what colour it is and they say blue, and you talk to sky experts and they say it's blue, he'll still insist it's green.

The man makes me boil.

Anyway, he INSISTED that I was doing something that I know I wasn't (not that it matters but he thought my finger was in my mouth, resting on my teeth to be specific, and I maintain it was not in my mouth). You cannot possibly know how infuriating it is to have this sort of conversation with someone.

"It was in your mouth"

"It was not in my mouth it was on my lip like this"*demonstrates thumb on lip*

"I saw it in your mouth"

"Well you saw wrong because my finger was near my mouth but it wasn't in my mouth"

"I saw it in your mouth"

"There is no way you saw it in my mouth. It wasn't in my mouth. I can understand how you might have glanced and thought it was cause it was near my mouth but it wasn't acctually in my mouth"

"I saw it in your mouth. I know what I saw. I'm not delusional"

Now here's the part where I, despite all that is stacked against me, resist the overwhelming urge to slam my face into the table. It's bad enough to know someone is wrong, but even worse when they will not even meet you halfway. Regardless, I am now mad, he is now sour cause I yelled at him, and my back will hurt in the morning because the couch is old and has springs missing. Tune in next time for the episode where we argue about who touched the remote last.

Sleep well and rave wise.

I heard a very mind boggling thing today. I don't know how wide spread this story is but there is apparently a women in Owen Sound, Ontario who was fired for shaving her head for cancer research. I don't know about you, but I feel that firing an employee for taking part in a charitable organization that helps raise money for cancer research slightly excessive. Granted she is a server and in the service industry appearance is unfortunately very heavily weighted but unless somewhere in company policy they prevent employees male or female from shorning their locks, I don't see that it's within their rights to fire or even lay off employees for such a thing. I have personally known waitresses as well as others in the past who shaved their heads for cancer research and I never heard of them receiving anything but congratulations for their kindhearted and selfless act. I'm far from an expert on the legal system aside from being an avid watcher of law and order but I'm of the mind that she should sue them on principle if not for herself than for others who may end up in the same boat. I am pleased to hear though that this story has a happy ending of sorts. She has been hired at another establishment and is even being given extra shifts. I congratulate her new employer for having the common sense that apparently was missing from the afore mentioned employer. Kudos. And to the woman from Owen Sound. Good for you for doing something to make the world a better place and making people aware of this type of situation. Good luck in your new job.

He Did it First.

So I've decided to take the leap. I'm diving headlong into the world of blogging. What you ask has caused this shift in the cosmos? I blame him *points to her left* . No not my imaginary friend, my better half. He is an avid blogger much to my chagrin at times. His, albeit, is a blog of substance but I have settled on the much more rudimentary route. Mine is just about little ole boring me. Well me and my personal views on my life and the world as I see it. I warn you now, I am a chronic thought jumper and have quite eclectic interests. I have a dirty obsession with celebrity gossip but enjoy a good political debate as well. Basically a conversation with me is full of surprises so sit back and enjoy. Check back often because I have a lot to say and no one to say it to.